SHHH! (or, Gary's Simple Guide to Cell Phone Ettiquette)

This is a great idea. (Link to a .pdf file)

I've probably tried to write some three rants that have gone off about ignorant cell phone users, but they never made it to this site because I just felt that it was too mundane of an issue to talk about. Nonetheless, this "Society for HandHeld Hushing" is a great social movement, and I hope it gets off the ground. I would like to see someone really rip into a cell phone user for being too loud and obnoxious. With the SHHH cards from the .pdf file, we can fight back, one cell phone user at a time. I think if I were talking on a cell phone and someone gave me one of these cards, I would think about that for a long time. Please, pass this around, cut them out, and use them often. I'll be carrying a few in my wallet, waiting for that special target for whom I silently just hand one of those cards to and smile.

I have a few beefs with cell phone users. Notice the operative word, user. I used to hate the cell phone idea altogether because I felt like it was too expensive, too intruding into my life, and because I didn't have the social network that required me to keep in contact with humanity at all times with a digital leash. That time has changed. Cell phones have also gotten cheaper, although it took a while. A bare minimum 2-line plan with the minimum amount of minutes is still $60 a month through Verizon. But hey, you're paying out the nose to basically be able to call anywhere in the world from, pretty much anywhere in the world. So I guess it's worth it. The other thing I don't like about cell phones is that the cell phone companies really do screw you. I get 400 minutes a month of peak calling minutes and I use about half of them, but alas, I don't get any rollover minutes. Zip. Zero. Zilch. 30 days is all I get to use 400 minutes. But if I ever go over, it's .45 cents a minute, even though I pay 60 bucks a month for 400 minutes and I use about 200. Also, if you use one second of one minute, it's considered a whole minute. And they charge you for the connecting time, too. I'll just be glad when I can get a cell phone plan that offers unlimited nationwide calling for a reasonable price. The day that happens is the day that most of the land-line phone companies would be losing their home phone market rather quickly. I'm sure there is some law that says they can't do that, but if they did, I'd be making my last call on my land-line phone to cancel it.

Aside from those things, the cell phone is quite possibly the greatest invention of the past fifteen years. But it doesn't come without it's social inconveniences.

That's where we get back to the obnoxious cell phone users that I hate so much. Yes, this is old hat for most of us, but I still can't, for the life of me, figure out how people can be so fucking rude while talking on a cell phone in public. I think part of the problem is that they view themselves as being in their own little world while talking on a cell, while ignoring the people around them. I think that's the meeting we had about paying attention to the world around you that most people missed.

Mostly I have a beef with these types of cell phone users:

1. Mr. I'm going to try to conduct important business with someone while talking to someone else on my cell phone. This is probably the most blatant disrespect you could possibly give the people around you, particularly the person you are dealing with and the people behind you in line trying to get on with their lives. If you are doing ANYTHING that involves communicating or dealing with another live human being here in the real world, GET OFF OF THE CELL PHONE.

2. LOUD CELL PHONE TALKERS AND ANNOYING, LOUD RINGERS. I can't tell you how much this pisses me off. One day while at my favorite local quiet cafe, I was sitting peacefully, enjoying a meal and strong coffee, and reading an intellectually invigorating reading assignment for my POLI SCI class. Everything in life was great. Then she walked in. A big, fat, annoying, old lady who is way too energetic and loud for her age. Her cell goes off and suddenly I'm whisked away to a forest of tweeting birds...oh wait, no, that's not it. It's that oh-so-ubiquitous nature cell phone ringer that is set way too loud for the average human hearing range. It's pretty much the opposite of a forest of tweeting birds. Then she starts chatting with her likewise overzealous friend who is meeting her for lunch. Oh joy. What does she want to eat, she asks the person on the other end of the line. So what does Fat Granny do? Much to my chagrin and annoyance, she places a confusing order for two people while carrying on a conversation on the cell. While trying to iron out the specific details of her friends carmel-chai-latte-with-soy-milk-only-but-only-use-half-the-chai-mix-so-it's-not-as-strong, I was watching her with an evil eye, gritting my teeth on coffee, and wondering how she has lived this long and still not figured out that LOUD IS ANNOYING. I'm sure she's a nice lady.

3. NEXTEL Phones and people who use the speakerphone on their cell in public. This is just plain stupid. First off, NEXTEL phones should all explode at once, along with all the factories that make them. It's a phone, not a walkie-talkie. Secondly, anyone who is rude enough to use a cell phone on speakerphone whilst in the midst of other human beings should just be shot on site. Now not only am I bothered by the dumb monkey that can't keep to a reasonable volume, I'm doubly angered by someone who isn't even here at the moment. They're getting beamed in via satellite and their voice pushed through a tiny speaker to bother everyone in the area.

4. People using the cell phone while driving and not using a hands-free headset. This one is a no-brainer, but I'm cut off without a blinker daily by these people. I won't belabor the point anymore, but I can assure you, driving while trying to carry on a conversation with Muffy in the middle of Friday traffic isn't good for posterity. I've read many news stories where wrecks (even fatal ones) have been caused by cell phones. You can break all the other rules I have set forth above while driving in the car. Be as annoying and loud as you want in your own car, but please, BUY A HEADSET or at least use the speakerphone that you just can't live without while in public. Chat until your tongue hurts, but goddamnit, keep your hands free and your brain and eyes on the road.

Let's review.

7 Simple Rules for Using a Cell Phone
1. Don't be loud.
2. Don't use the speakerphone.
3. Toss any Nextel phone you have out the nearest window immediately.
4. Do not conduct important business in the real world with anyone while talking on a cell phone.
5. Ditch the goofy ringers. And turn them down.
6. If you're going to take a cell phone call in the middle of a bunch of people, be courteous enough to step away to take the call and talk at a reasonable level, that being one where I CAN'T MAKE OUT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
7. If you're going to talk and drive, use a headset or use the speakerphone for what it is meant for.

For anyone wondering why this seemingly mild social injustice bothers me so much...well, I'll tell you why. I subscribe to the Henry Rollins school of thought that our lives are short. The more time that other people waste for me is less time that I have for myself. If you are causing me to shift my train of thought over to whatever you're doing, you're causing a problem and wasting my time. I can ignore pretty much everything else except sound. If you're an uncomely human being or if there is an advertisement that just begs my attention, I can just ignore it. But if it's sound, I can't ignore it. It's coming into my bubble and I have no control over it. If it's a conversation with another human being, I can't not listen. I've had eavesdropping wired into my system from birth. If someone is talking, I have to listen, even if it is just listening and not hearing. (Another good argument for buying an iPod to use while in public places...I often use mine at the grocery store.) That, and I like my piece of mind. When someone around me is talking loudly, it grates on my nerves. You are invading my brain and I don't like it! Get out! Ok people...I know that going out in the world basically means that you accept certain social problems as a part of daily life. That's fine. I get that. But there is a line and I'm drawing it.

Well that's it. I finally got through my rant and somehow I feel cleansed, but I know tomorrow brings another day of annoying cell phone users. I have already cut out the SHHH! cards and I plan on handing them out to random rude people as I'm out and about. If I actually do run across someone who is rude enough to provoke me to give them one of the SHHH cards, you will hear about it here. Happy talking.