I Hate Sports

I really do. I tried. Much like Christianity, I was forced to do it, and any good it might have done was wasted at the expense of someone earnestly trying to do something they thought was right. I tried and tried. I didn't like the idea when I was first approached with it and I don't like it now. When people around me talk about the latest seasons stats, I pretend to look interested. I couldn't care less. Football, baseball, basketball, track, soccer, hockey, whatever. It bores me to death. The first game ever played will be the same as the last. The only thing that changes is the names, dates, and talent. How can someone be content watching the same thing day after day, year after year? You could get two teams of the most talented, scientifically designed, steroid-laden human machines on the field playing the meanest, ass-slappinest, grisly football game ever and I'm still bored. It's still a guy trying to get some ball or puck somewhere while the other team is trying to defend him from doing it. When I was forced into playing basketball during my freshman year, I did my best. I couldn't dribble, pass, or shoot worth shit. I was clumsy and everything I did was with freshman herky-jerky movements. I tried to smile through the lack of enthusiasm, but I didn't fool anyone. I felt more comfortable in a library or acting onstage than on the court. The guys on my team were good people and they tried to help me, but I just couldn't do it. I was the tallest guy on the team, the most valuable asset, and yet I could hardly do a lay-up on an empty court. The most points I ever scored in a night was 7 points and my Dad was proud. But I wasn't. Disappointed, my dad finally realized that maybe my energy could be used better elsewhere. So I did journalism and theater. I was a major contributor to the High School newspaper and I played small parts in a few plays. I was happy. I never looked back. Even when Hunter S. Thompson, one of my favorite writers, talks about sports, I get antsy to move to the next paragraph.

The idea of sports in America spurs a kind of cultural trend hatred that I've always held for the importance placed on sports and the people who worship them. The jocks were never really mean to me per se, but I knew that I'd never be a part of them long before I had to join their ranks. Just like frat boys, rich kids, and the Jesus freaks, I knew where I didn't fit and I accepted it. The people I know now that watch Monday night fuckball and ESPN with religious fervor, I don't have anything against. It's usually me that they have something against. You don't like sports, huh? You are the enemy. The typical American sports fan is an overfed Alpha-male with a penchant for balls, sticks and bats, and men in tight pants tackling each other. And they don't like anyone that's not in the program. That's fine. I'll get by knowing that you don't like me. I'll make it through.

The injustice ensues: our society is largely based around sports. Kids who could barely pass an aptitude test go through college and pay little to nothing (and avoid a potential draft) because of a supposed ability. Is your ability evolving humanity? Is it doing any good whatsoever other than to generate revenue? Does a sports game make people smarter? No, on all three counts. The favorite American pastime is baseball? Not my favorite pastime. I'd rather work than watch baseball. People pay large sums of money to keep sports in business. Millions of dollars go to watching men run around for an hour or two chasing a ball when we've got homeless people in every city in America. I'm not much of a philanthropist, but I think that feeding the homeless is more important than any sports game ever invented. Use the profits of one or two Monday night football or anticipated sports games a season and you could feed the homeless for a  year.

I know, I know. I've attacked the football people a little more than the other sports in this article. I have to admit, I consider them the worst of the sports species. To make it clear, I don't hate the people, although I do feel outcast around sportspeople and jocks. I hate the importance placed on sports, when I think there is more creative, productive things people could be doing on Monday night.

As much as I hate sports for myself, if I had a kid, I'd do my best to help them do what they wanted when they grow up. If they liked sports, I'd go to the games and support them as much as my time allows. Maybe after a while, they'd do what I did.